Godzilla 2014 Review – Zero stars.

Godzilla. Where to start? I don’t know what it cost, but the producers saved a fortune on the writers because this is a totally plot-free film.

The leading man does nothing – absolutely nothing – for the entire film. This is no mean feat, since he does a lot of running around and shooting at things and shouting, but if you ever have the misfortune to watch this steaming pile of excrement, keep an eye out for anything that he does which actually makes a difference. He always arrives just too late or interrupts something someone else was doing anyway or whatever he’s doing is utterly ineffective. He has to be the single most useless leading man in cinema history.

About halfway through I just wanted him to die. By the end of it I wanted them all to die painful, horrible deaths, just to end it all.

And god knows what Ken Watanabe’s stage instructions were – “Stand there looking wide-eyed, terrified and oriental” I imagine. A woeful waste of a very good actor.

There were many “exploding head” moments when it made even less sense that at other times:

For slightly weird reasons, they have to make a clockwork-powered nuclear bomb. When the inevitable point comes when they have to stop it, they can’t get the little glass door open. This stymies the entire might of the US military and they have to head off in a boat with it still merrily ticking away. A Brit would, of course, have just fired a bullet through the bloody thing. Clocks don’t like bullets and they tend to grind to a halt when they meet one.

We are supposed to believe that the Golden Gate Bridge is made of mostly gravity-defying steel because when one of the two main cables gets snapped, the bridge stays determinedly in place despite having thousands of vehicles (mostly school buses, apparently) on it. Even when the second and final main cable gets snapped, it still takes a 300-foot tall lizard to do any real damage.

When a main character loses his son, it is apparently perfectly okay to just reunite them an hour and several dozen location changes later with absolutely no explanation.

Would several hundred of San Francisco’s finest be just standing around mere yards from a fallen but still-breathing 300-foot lizard when their city lies ruined around them with thousands of trapped people? I would hope for a slightly higher level of focus and professionalism than that.

Certainly the worst film I have seen in a couple of years, maybe even longer.

I cannot recommend enough that you give it a miss…

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